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Of Love and Other Demons

Love can be ugly, it can be obsessive, it can be cruel. Love can also be generous, altruistic, noble and kind. You can ache with the pain of love both when it is in retreat and when it is in abundance. You can be accused of having too little love. Can you also be accused of having too much? Love can be a reason to live, or to die. It can be a reason to fight, or to give in. Love is extreme both in its hope and its desparation, and in its perpetual desire to exist. It is an eternal instinct simultaneously civilised and base, as well as a celebrated literary trope. And where amongst all this history, all this literature, all the waxing and waning of loves lost and found, do we find our own place for love? How do we carve out our own definition and seek to define and discover what is real in our hearts?
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i have got my mind back but lost my body. i am back in control of my emotions but i have been smoking rather a lot and haven't been to the gym for over a week now. i am bloated and full of evil substances. 2 steps forward, 1 step back but at least i'm heading in the right direction.

finally feel like i have a bit more of a grasp of "my life" as something that has somewhere to be heading towards, a positive direction...though it often feels like i'm in the body of a huge worm and i'm slowly shuffling forwards on my belly. but again, at least i'm moving forwards.

so much to sort out, so much to think about and no time. i need time and space. i'm worried about this weekend and increasingly the option of staying in on saturday to get room/life sorted is looking the most attractive. i have absolutely no money so shopping with hannah will be interesting! and schlepping to essex for saturday night will be over £10 before i've even started... and there is absolutely no way i'm going to charlie's party after last weekend. but is it really sad to stay in on a saturday night?! i must be getting old.

and it's true, i'm not getting any younger though i'm still making some of the same mistakes to do with how i feel about myself. yes, definitely lots to think about, and it's sex and the city soon so no time now!
  • Current Mood
    here
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"...just remember that i'll always love you"

he left on friday. we had gone for a coffee and laughed together. he had looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me how much he loved me and that we would never be apart for this long again. at the station we kissed goodbye and i was excited and happy for him going away. i didn't watch him walk away but turned away myself and walked off feeling strong about our love.

it was when i got home later that afternoon that i felt sad. i walked into my room and was immediately swamped by memories of him and our time together. dotted around my room and on my desk were clothes he had decided not to take and papers he had decided to leave behind. i put on my About A Boy soundtrack and flicked to track 14 - a song we have often listened to together and one he played to me the night before saying if anything ever happened to him i was to listen to this song.

16 sleeps is such a brief moment in what is potentially the story of our lives together and yet it hurts so much. without realising it, for the past two days i have been on the brink of tears and it's exhausting to be this emotionally keyed up. my dreams have been troubled and i have been snapping at people around me. i don't feel like me and i'm annoyed at myself for feeling this much pain at something so small. i just want him to have a good time, relax and enjoy himself and not be worried about me at home. when he calls i will be bright and cheerful and listen happily to his news.

i will keep busy, i will keep counting down the days and i will be happy for him. and before long he'll be home again and breathing will become easier and thoughts will become clearer and life will go on.


Minor Incidents from About A Boy Soundtrack

there's nothing i could say to make you try to feel ok
and nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way i do
and if the chance should happen that i never see you again
just remember that i'll always love you.

i'd be a better person on the other side i'm sure
you'd find a way to help yourself to find another door
to shrug off minor incidents and make us both feel proud
i just wish i could be there to see you through.

you always were the one to make a stand out in the crowd
though every once upon a while your head was in the could
there's nothing you could never do to ever let me down
and remember that i'll always love you.
  • Current Music
    About a Boy, Minor Incidents
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17 days and 16 sleeps

i haven't had a computer for over 2 weeks and suddenly it's august, the eighth month, 2/3rds of the way through 2002. time is passing like the huge horses galloping through the waves in the guinness advert; it is overwhelming and incessant.

i am back temping at charing cross hospital where i worked just before i went to canada. i will work here for 17 days and hopefully leave with some money in the bank and not all of my brain cells tortured by the dull tedium of my job. 17 days is a manageable amount.

sam is going to france on friday for 2 weeks and 2 days (16 sleeps). it won't kill me, i know that but i bet those 16 sleeps crawl along slowly. so as always, time will be passing at different speeds in different realities of my life.

i don't like august, the eigth month, 2/3rds of the way through the year. but soon it will be the cool blue of september and we can all make a fresh start.
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just before i left my job in february, the Warwick Graduate Association phoned up to find out what i'd been up to in the 6 months since graduating. my life as a few sentences on a page looked good. i was earning good money, i was doing loads of extra stuff - wine tasting course, LCGC course, lots of youth work and a couple of youth trips which meant i could qualify as a millenium volunteer and i was about to fulfil and dream and go to canada.

looking back i guess things were good but i needed to keep myself busy so i didn't have time to think about things too much. during that time i had to slowly claw myself out of the depression that i'd slipped into when i left uni. i never imagined i could get to the point where physically hurting myself seemed a good way of trying to feel better...anyway, over time i did start to feel better until finally i was back to being me again. now, when i look back to that time i wonder how i became that person - i'm certainly not proud of who i was last summer. but like i said, if you look back over a period of time and sum it up into one moment you only see the bigger moments. the mundane day to day crap is forgotten which is how sometimes we feel nostalgic about the past. if it's a happy memory then great, if it's bad then you can pigeon-hole it so that the pain of memory becomes manageable.

yesterday i looked back over 5 weeks and in a few paragraphs summarised my life. of course it seemed great, being with Sam is the best thing that's ever happened to me, but that's not the day to day. there are still ups and downs and worries. i guess the biggest difference right now is that we facing all of this together, standing side by side looking out at the world in the same direction.

the hardest thing i've had to deal with recently is coming to terms with who i was last summer and making my peace about it. i've asked for forgiveness about it and i feel forgiven and i think i've just about forgiven myself. but then there's the whole Guy situation and that's slightly hard to deal with primarily because i haven't been totally honest with anyone about it. just seeing him walk into a room flusters me because i don't know how to deal with him or the memory of what happened. he turned up to something last night that none of us thought he'd be at and it was such a shock. i was already feeling emotional and seeing him was the final straw. i left with Sam and just cried as we walked around Liverpool Street station. he just listened and hugged me and said he loved me even more because i could tell him what i was thinking. i feel a bit foolish today about it all and i just can't wait to see him on sunday and look into his eyes and tell him how much i love him back.
  • Current Music
    Michelle Branch
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a lifetime in 5 weeks

such a lot has happened since i stepped on a plane at vancouver airport to start the long journey home...

...to put it simply, i came home.

he was there waiting for me as i walked through the gates at stanstead, smiling, excited but a little shy. we hugged and in amongst the mayhem of the airport, the excitement of being back in england, liz's mum asking hundreds of questions and the two of us eagerly chattering away, i just knew that we were meant to be together. i travelled thousands of miles to another continent searching for 'something'. i found it in him.

he is the most beautiful person that i know. he makes me want to be a better person; i love who i am when i'm with him. he's my best friend and i love him more than i realised i could ever love someone. he loves me just as i am, he thinks i'm sexy and gorgeous: i'm his WOW girl and he's my gorgeous boy.

life hasn't stopped and i'm feeling totally exhausted though in a nice way. however i just want a weekend of doing nothing, to catch up on my thoughts, to sort myself out, to think, to pray and generally recharge my batteries. time in canada passed so slowly by comparison, which is what i needed then, and though right now i'm tired, i'm loving being back in my fast paced london life.

i've been working at bloomsbury publishers in soho square since i got back. here there are shelves upon shelves of books everywhere, exquisite colours and carefully crafted words cluttering every space; walking into work in the mornings is like entering a magical haven hidden among the hustle and bustle of the west end. i love it!

i am so very happy right now and i am truly thankful for that. what a change from this time last year...but life is like that - there will always be ebbs and flows of emotions and feelings but i wouldn't change the way anything has happened because that's what has brought me to where i am today.
  • Current Music
    Boyz II Men (very sad I know!)
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(no subject)

today i cried for no other reason than i felt sad. i was listening to the cd that my choir made this time last year and thinking about how much has changed in the last 12 months. i feel tired of change. i was so settled in my house at uni, with my friends all around and my course which i absolutely loved. i cannot imagine finding any job that satisfies me as much as my course at uni did and it annoys me that i'm going to have to settle for something less.

on monday liz and i went to the opening night of the Vancouver Children's Festival which was fun - there was free wine :o)
josh and christy gave us a ride home in their 1962 very cool mint green car which looks like it's come straight from the set of Greece. Driving through the streets of the city in this awesome car made for a picture perfect moment of happiness. we had somewhere to head towards, we had spent the last few hours laughing together, we were young and this was our moment. and yet, 2 days later, i am thinking back to it with desparate longing as if it happened 5 years ago.

i need a dream, a plan, some stability but also an adventure. i am so looking forward to going home on friday but i'm also terrified of meeting sam at the airport, of not knowing what i'm doing next in my life, of having no money, of becoming stuck in a rut. there is a fine line between craving stability and dreading the daily turdge of life.

so this is my plea God - don't leave me floating in the unreality of life. i want to walk on stage and take my part in the play.
  • Current Music
    Rev cd
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Britney Spears

Britney Spears is coming to Vancouver next week. When Liz and I found out we decided that we just *had* to get tickets though our meagre budget would not allow the $90 ticket price.
So I wrote to Capital FM asking Dr Fox to buy us tickets - alas he never replied.
So we entered the CTV local news competition.......AND WON THE STAR PRIZE!!!
We get to go a sound check party and meet Britney and then have VIP seats on the stage (how does that work?) and oh my god I have never won anything in my life, this is so cool!
Am absolutely shattered today and so can't write anything other than this amazing news.
Intend to be awake and alert and creative tomorrow, so until then....
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Morning Rain

Yesterday I sat out on the deck with Liz, drinking beer, eating Tortillas and phoning friends in England. I felt full of love for the city that has been my home for the past 5 weeks, for the mishmash of houses painted in a variety of colours that make up our block, for the little square gardens that back onto each other and which are tended to, for the most part, with loving hands, and for my place in this scenery.

Today I woke up to quiet tapping of rain against the window and grey clouds covering the sky though the air is still rich with nature and the promise of summer. I am standing in the kitchen by the open patio door and I feel I could spend a lifetime looking out onto this world as the rain filled breeze moves heavily around the room. This moment reminds me of a family holiday in France when I was 15 and we stayed in a big farmhouse cottage with family friends. That summer I was away for a whole month, the longest I had ever been away from England. Sometimes the mornings were heavy with cloud and rain, as is it today. On these days we would seek the protection of the living-room with its thick wooden beams along the wall and across the ceiling which offered comfort as we listened to music and whiled away the hours with idle chatter. I can remember the kitchen always being full of fresh food from the market, the house always buzzing with people and laughter echoing around the rooms; a temporary chaotic existence which seems full of happiness.

I want to chase this memory forever, to find the girl that I was in the woman I have become. I haven’t thought about this girl for a long time and now that she’s quite unexpectedly here again I want to hang onto her for just a little while longer. I remember the way she looks at herself in the mirror. I remember the way she tries on a dress for the first time in years. I remember the way she feels when she is chatted up by a visiting French boy when all the time she has a secret crush on the older married man staying in the cottage 2 doors down. Things are never quite the same after this holiday, perhaps this is the last time she is still unashamedly a girl before everything changes. This is the girl that I would like Kieran to know, because this is the girl that he hurt the most by not being there.

As always, the moment passes. I can hear Liz coming up the stairs and I must get ready for work. I do all the usual things in the usual way and leave the house, as usual, 5 minutes late. But today, as I walk towards the sky train with my head bent against the rain, something is different. Today my heart is full of remembrance for a girl I didn’t even realised I had forgotten.
  • Current Music
    Cafe Del Mar, Volume 8